Trapped: What Metabolic Damage Feels Like

That's me.  Trapped.  Former me inside the soft squishy shell that is my current self.  I live in a world where I am surrounded by people who are the epitome of fit.  Who judge other people who don't fit their ideals of what "fitness" looks like.  Who think it's perfectly acceptable to call other people chubby.  

And so I'm stuck.  There's the girl I remember 20 lbs ago who was very proud of the physique she worked so hard to get.  And she's stuck inside me just begging and screaming to get out of this body that is keeping her trapped.  This isn't a body that came from mindless eating and laziness.  It came from being too concerned with the fit body I sought comfort in. 10 months of dieting... TOO LONG!  Regardless of changes to my diet, lowering calories, more cardio, my body stopped responding.  And then started to gain weight. And then would.not.STOP!

So how did that happen?  I've heard of metabolic damage before.  I've heard of countless competitors eating nothing but tilapia and asparagus and doing cardio twice a day - an hour in the morning and an hour at night.  I was SO FAR away from that.  My meals were balanced, I ate more carbs than most girls my size, and more variety.  Cardio?  Usually 4-5 days a week, maybe 30-40 minutes.  Nothing too extraneous.  So did I think I was putting myself at risk for metabolic damage?  Not really.  I've heard of girls achieving that state after prolonged dieting, but I didn't FEEL like I was doing anything remotely extreme enough to reach that state.  So I just kept going.  BIG MISTAKE.  My body basically started to think I was living on a deserted island where food is scarce and I needed to hunt for what little game there is on my island.  So it slowed my metabolism down to protect islander Robin from diminishing away.  So no more cardio for me (woohoo) so that my body doesn't think I need to save my energy for hunting.  And I slowly have to eat more food, so that my body thinks Islander Robin's food supply is becoming more plentiful.

With my current diet, most people would lose weight following the same diet without even exercising.  Me?  Lifting 5 days a week, still gaining body fat.  So I just keep going until my body gets used to this caloric level and stops storing everything as fat, and then add in another 50 calories a day.  And then repeat until I can get my body used to an extra 350 calories a day than it's getting now.  And in that process, I'll gain more body fat.  And people will continue to judge me.  They'll continue to look at me without even bothering to mask their expression of "What the HELL happened to you?"  And I'll continue to tell them that I'm bulking for bikini, because that's just makes me laugh every time. 

I feel okay about my current body.  I'm learning to accept it.  My ass and boobs are GLORIOUSLY round when I have extra weight on.  And I like the softness to my face better as opposed to how sharp my features get when I'm lean. I don't feel insecure about myself until I hit the gym because frankly that's the only time that people stare.  To a passerby on the street, I look average - huge thanks to the obesity epidemic in America. Not big, not skinny, too much body fat to see any muscle definition.  Just a soft curvy girl.  In the gym however, I'm "chubby". 

I have at the very least 8 weeks of continued caloric increase before I can start trying to get my body fat down again.  I think it will take longer than that for my body to adjust.  This is a much slower process than I ever imagined.  But I owe it to myself to take the time and get there.  Then it's time to cut SLOWLY down to a good maintenance weight for me - which is about 12 lbs less than my current state.  If I can do that comfortably, then I can start cutting for competitions and photo shoots again.  This is a very long road ahead of me... maybe I should buy more shoes!

The Fitness Elite: Did You Miss Share Day in Kindergarden?

"That's my treadmill."

"Some slutwhorebag parked in my spot."

"He's on my bench and doing chest presses with bad form.  I'm training for a show so he should move and let the real athletes use the equipment."

"She had the nerve to ask me what my diet is like.  Doesn't she know I pay good money for that?"

"He's taking up my space to do a bunch of curls. I bet he's never even done a squat."

"She's fat, why is she even in the gym?"

SO F*CKING WHAT?!?!?!  WHEN EXACTLY DID FITNESS BECOME JUST FOR THE FITNESS ELITE????

I am so tired of the elitist attitude I've seen/heard in the gym as well as bragged about on social media.  People are actually proud of the snobby attitude they've developed.  Really?  We all had to start somewhere.  We were all a little lost, a little overwhelmed, a little intimidated at first.  We weren't born knowing proper form.  The knowledge of nutrition we learn in school growing up is minimal... you know in environment that now considers pizza a vegetable..

because it has tomato sauce in it...

even though tomatoes are actually fruit...

What was I talking about?  Oh yeah!  Sharing.  The gym is not YOURS.  The space is not yours.  The weights are not yours.  That treadmill or stair master is not yours - even if you may use the same one 29 days out of the month if someone else gets on that damn machine at your usual time it doesn't make them a bad person.  If someone isn't in great shape why do you question why they're at the gym?  They're there TRYING to make themselves better!  Why not walk by and say hi?  Tell them you've noticed they've been working hard.  MAKE THEIR EXPERIENCE MORE COMFORTABLE AND INVITING! Keep them coming back!  Make a difference!

I'm not talking about the people who come there and sit on equipment just to talk on their phone or check out people.  I'm talk about the people who are there legitimately trying.  Bad form and all.  They are TRYING.  They deserve to be there.  They have a right to be there.  The gym is just as much theirs as it is yours.

People like they way you look, they come up and ask what your diet is like... and your response is to tell them you paid a lot of money for it. TRUE STORY.  Yes you did.  And most coaches make you sign a non-disclosure agreement as they should.  No, you don't need to tell them your exact diet - it was custom made for you and likely wouldn't suit their specific needs anyway.  But what you can do, is give them general knowledge!  "I eat a lot of lean meats, veggies, complex carbs, healthy fats like almonds and avocado.  Muscle Egg egg whites are ALWAYS stalked in my fridge!  After I work out I have a 619 Muscle protein shake.  Try the peanut butter, it's great!"  See?  Didn't give away my plan, gave them some tips.  Gave them HOPE!

I'm a firm believer that knowledge isn't yours to keep, it's yours to share.

So help someone.  Make a difference.  Give some tips and pointers.  LEARN TO SHARE!

The Cool Kids Table

Do you remember what your school cafeteria looked like?  The tables all neatly arranged.  Those little food trays?  The almost too shiny freshly mopped floors that REEK of ammonia?  And of course, the segregation.  Every school cafeteria has a "cool kids table".  The kids who dress nicer than everyone else, who seemingly always have something interesting and fun going on in their life, who can make your day by asking you to borrow a pencil because OH MY GOD that means they know you exist!  That table is the topic of conversation, everyone dreams of getting invited to sit there.  

And then there are kids like me.

The little nerd girl sitting alone silently picking at her sandwich, occupying the last 6 inches of bench, rarely even looking up from the table.

That concept DOES NOT GO AWAY.  You'll see that in offices, and for me - in the fitness world.  In the southern California competition circuit, there is a very obvious cool kids table.  They're at every show either competing or watching one of the other "cool kids" dominate their height class, who do not accept anything other than first place as being a success.  They're the ones who pop up in just about every picture taken at shows, who have the largest cheering section of friends - and even people who have never even met them but have looked up to them for years, are constantly asked to shoot with the top photographers, who have a ton of sponsors, who have amazing parties to celebrate their victories. 

And then there are competitors like me.

I show up to the competition, excited if I even place (which I haven't).  My success is just even being able to get up on stage.  I get excited if absolutely anyone is clapping for me. I have one sponsor who are some of the most AMAZING and supportive people you'll ever meet.  After the show, I go home, alone, and shower and sleep.  And then I always seem to get a message on Facebook the next day, from some girl who competed in her first show - thanking me for making her feel more comfortable and less out of place.  And saying she looks forward to competing at another show with me in the future because I helped her have a fun and amazing experience.

And then I realize how much I don't want to sit at the cool kids table.  I'm fine sitting at the end of the nerd table - because I'll always move over and let you sit next to me.

I am HUNGRY

I am HUNGRY!

You know that all consuming feeling? You try to distract your mind, but it just gravitates back to one though? You want it more than anything, more than the air you breathe? The kind of hungry that courses through your body, you can feel it in your bones, in your eyelashes, in your soul?

I am HUNGRY!

But not for food, I hunger for the stage. I hunger for the tired body, for the smelly spray tan, for the drag queen makeup, for the bikini that costs more than my car payment, for the bright lights, for the hundreds of pairs of eyes analyzing every inch of my body. I hunger for the adrenaline rush of stepping on that stage and strutting the body I spent years sculpting and months revealing.

I will make it happen.

I will stay HUNGRY!

The Little Engine That Could - Choo Choo MF'ers

I am a gluten intolerant metabolically damaged sufferer of IBS with adrenal fatigue syndrome and a thyroid problem.

Okay, not really.  But if I listened to the advice and diagnoses of everyone around me, that would be my current state.  Yes, my progress is lacking, and by lacking I mean has come to a complete halt.  MANY people in my situation would have thrown in the towel WEEKS ago.  Not me. I just harness my inner "Little Engine That Could" and keep on chugging along.  CHOO MF-ING CHOO!  

So how am I overcoming all this?  I talked to my amazing coach, Pete Ciccone of 619 Muscle.  This is the whole point of having a coach.  Having one voice to listen to, one plan to follow, one mind that is staying a step ahead of you and figuring out the best way to help you progress as an athlete.  There is so much clutter between what you read and what you hear and unsolicited advice that people will toss your way because everyone wants to believe they know best.  Anyway, Pete asked how I was feeling and I believe my direct quote was "I'm tired, hungry, sore, grumpy, angry, I hate everything and everyone and I want to die."  And no, that is not me being over-dramatic.  That is exactly how I have been feeling for the past 2 weeks.  Anyone who knows me is aware that those are very un-Robinlike characteristics.  So he re-evaluated my diet and training program and decided I need to eat more.  HALLELUJER!  Bring on the apples, grapefruit, pineapple and almond butter!  Throwing a little extra coal in this engine and this "Little Engine That Could" will be the "Little Engine That Did"!

Something is Wrong, But Nothing is Wrong, But Something is Wrong, But Nothing is Wrong?!?!

I feel like crying.  I want to cry.  I have an OVERWHELMING URGE to cry.  About absolutely nothing.  There is nothing bothering me right now, nothing is making me sad or upset.  I just can't shake the feeling that I am going to start crying at any second.  But nothing is wrong.

But something has to be wrong.  10 minutes ago I noticed that my jaw was completely clenched.  Like I'm stressed out beyond belief, on the verge of pulling my hair out.  But nothing is wrong.

But something has to be wrong.  My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest.  Like I am anxious or nervously panicking.  But NOTHING IS WRONG!!!

And no, it's not PMS.

This is one of the unpleasant aspects of changing up your diet.  It can throw your hormones out of whack.  So what do I do in this situation?  I just keep going throughout my day, remembering that nothing is wrong until I can get home, put on an emotional movie, and just cry.  "The Blind Side", I'll be seeing you later!  <3

How to Support a Dieter - For Dummies

Your friend, your spouse, your roommate, your co-worker, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your son or daughter, your mother or father, your sister or brother... SOMEONE around you is dieting.  So how the heck do you deal with them?  Here are a few simple rules to follow to be supportive.

1. STOP TELLING THEM WHAT YOU ATE!  The dieter in your life is restricting their food to things that will nourish their body and help them reach their goal.  That does not mean that they stop getting tempted by pizza or cookies or ice cream.  And that CERTAINLY does not mean that they want to hear about it.  I often find myself in the situation of saying something like "Wow, I've been craving pizza for 3 days now!"
WHAT PEOPLE USUALLY SAY: "Dude, I had this pizza yesterday from this place in Little Italy! It was to die for!  Perfect soft crust and the cheese was super fresh and melted to perfection.  You've got to try it!" 
WHAT PEOPLE SHOULD SAY: "Wow, good job at sticking to your plan.  That's great will power.  Hey did you see Magic Mike yet?"  Don't make them miss the food they want even more!  They're resisting temptation, it's not an easy thing to do.  Change the subject!  Help them take their mind off the thing they're craving!

2. STOP TELLING THEM THEY'VE LOST ENOUGH WEIGHT!  Your idea of how the dieter in your life should look may not be the same as the picture they have in mind.  It is THEIR goal, not yours. 
WHAT PEOPLE USUALLY SAY: "You're too skinny now!  Eat a cheeseburger!"
WHAT PEOPLE SHOULD SAY:  "You're making great progress!  How far are you from your goal?"  Acknowledge their progress in a positive way!

3. STOP CRITIQUING THEIR FOOD CHOICES!  When someone is on a diet and is trying to keep their food choices as healthy, lean, and low calorie as possible, they're going to get creative with some of the concoctions they come up with.  Just because you would not eat it, there's no reason to let them know that.
WHAT PEOPLE USUALLY SAY:  "That looks gross!  You're really going to eat that?!?!"
WHAT PEOPLE SHOULD SAY: NOT A DAMN WORD!  I'm quite sure you wouldn't like them telling you that your food is fattening and how many calories and grams of fat it has.  So don't critique their food either.  When people seem me walking around the office with a big bowl of egg whites with mustard and cayenne pepper on it, I have been told "That looks horrible" on more than one occasion. Yeah... I like it and I still have to eat it, but it's a HELL of a lot less appetizing when someone else expresses how unapproving they are of my meal choice.

4. STOP TEMPTING THEM! This is the one that bugs me the most.  It's almost like people make it a game to try and break me.  You wouldn't hold a beer under a recovering alcoholic's nose, so don't hold a cookie under mine! 
WHAT PEOPLE USUALLY SAY: "Just have one cookie, it's not going to kill you.  I won't tell anyone."
WHAT PEOPLE SHOULD SAY: "I'm sure you'll be able to enjoy one some other day."  Just because no one saw you eat the cookie doesn't mean you didn't consume the calories.  Remember, the strictness of one's diet doesn't last forever.  People eventually allow themselves the chance to enjoy treats and the foods they love.  Eating off plan makes you overcome with guilt, enjoying a treat when it's part of your plan makes it much more enjoyable.

5. STOP TELLING THEM HOW THEY'VE CHANGED!  They are STILL the same person, they have just decided to pursue a healthier, longer life.
WHAT PEOPLE USUALLY SAY: "You're not fun anymore!  Just come out and have a drink!"
WHAT PEOPLE SHOULD SAY: "Let's make plans to hang out.  How does Sunday sound?"  Trust me, they still like you.  They still want to be a part of your life just as much as you want to be a part of theirs.  And that might mean they're not going bar hopping with you or out to dinner on any given night.  But don't cut them out of your life, they'll make time for you.   There are PLENTY of activities you can do that do not involve food or drinking.

I hope this has helped you find ways to deal with and support the dieter in your life.  Always exercise precaution, changes to your diet more often than not affect your mood.  Your dieter is likely to be more sensitive than usual.  Be kind, be supportive and encouraging, and be yourself!