I Broke Up With My Boyfriend... Sort Of

Heartbreak, it's not just for couples.  This weekend I made one of the most difficult decisions I've been faced with in a long time.  I opted not to compete for the remainder of the year... just 24 days out from my next competition.  So close, yet so far away.  A lot of people have been asking how I feel about withdrawing from the competitions.  My response is "I feel heart broken."  You know that feeling when you break up with someone?  Like you're sad and depressed but you know it was the right decision even though it hurts? That's how I feel.  I've been getting over it all weekend and then realized I needed to cancel my hotel room for the Memorial Day show at Muscle Beach, and I started crying all over again.   Like finding your ex-boyfriend's hat in your car a week after breaking up with him.

So why did I withdraw from my shows?  Reason being, I simply can't afford it.  I won't get into all the details but I've been financially struggling since I moved to southern California and it's all starting to catch up to me now.  Not competing in these shows saves me in the neighborhood of $700.  Now keep in mind I already have my suit, shoes and NPC card.  Yes, competing is THAT expensive.

I have had NUMEROUS people offer to cover expense for me.  WOW!  Completely overwhelming, that not one or 2 or 3 people offered, but many more!  However I politely declined their offers.  This is MY responsibility.  Although I have invested an extraordinary amount of time and effort into training for these shows, they are just 2 locals shows that I would not have done well at.  I have been in contest prep since July 5th of last year, and my body has reached exhaustion.  Despite how strict my diet and training program has been getting, there is no way my physique would have reached the point of being a contender for placing at these shows.  I would have been competing merely for the experience, so I would not have felt right allowing other people to help me out financially.

The hardest part was telling my coach.  He has invested so much time and effort and energy in helping me achieve my dreams. I was honestly afraid to read his response.  But he told him he did the right thing, and strongly thought that I needed to go off-season now.  Okay, nerves calmed.  He was VERY supportive of my decision, and maybe even proud of me.  Then I had to tell my sponsors.  More nerves.  Oh crap.  They're going to be pissed.  Nope!  More support and love and encouragement. Whew!  Although I still have the looming thought that there are MANY people out there thinking "I knew she couldn't do it."  And unfortunately I KNOW that thought is correct.  There are a handful of people out there with a holier-than-thou complex when it comes to training.  And since I don't train "their" way, I'm just setting myself up for failure.  I'll let them bask in the glory of my withdrawal if it makes them feel like a better stronger person. I don't choose to rain on other people's parades.

I, for the first time in 10 months, am "off season".  That doesn't mean I'm living off pizza and beer and donuts (mmmmmmmm... forbidden donut), I still have a very structured diet and training program to follow.  Slowly my coach will be adding in more calories and removing cardio to give my body time to adjust.  Then it's time to start building.

So onward and upward.  Time to repair my mind, my body, and my broken heart.