Friday, March 27, 2015

An Uncomfortable Reality

A lot of people don’t understand the crazy emotional struggle involved in binge eating and food addiction.  And yes - they’re very real.  It’s not about hunger or cravings, it’s about a complete and utter loss of power.  It’s an abusive relationship with food. With binge eating being something I struggled with personally for a few years, as well as being something I have helped numerous clients deal with – I felt compelled to write a little something.  Especially after speaking with a client today and hearing some of the words she used. I felt it in my very soul and felt I need to give people an uncomfortable window into that reality.  So here goes…

You took control over me. I rolled over and LET you have your way with me.  You didn’t take power from me, I opened my damn hands and gave it to you on a silver platter.  I let you dominate, humiliate, obliterate my entire being.

For hours.

And then rest.

And then for a few hours more.

So how was it that you are the one with all the power - the power that I gave you - and all I’m left with is guilt?  And today I’ll continue verbally bashing myself, and tomorrow will be more of the same.  I’ll hide myself from the world, embarrassed to even see the light of day.  I’ll stare myself down in the mirror and over-analyze every little piece of me.  And I’ll hate it all.  And I'll find a way to punish myself for letting it happen when I swore it would end after the last time. And the worst part is, that guilt that I feel now only guarantees that all this WILL happen again.  I haven’t learned how to hold my head high, to stand up, take back my integrity, and make sure you never overpower me again.  Maybe I don’t want to learn that.  I guess I oddly take comfort in being your victim, and that’s why the help I am offered falls on deaf ears.  I can’t see myself ever getting better, and on some level I suppose I don’t feel I deserve to be better.   I don’t want to face the reality of what my relationship with you really is.  Toxic.

And all you are – is food.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, powerful words. The way you describe this is like a rape. Which is interesting because when I used to binge eat, I nearly always took a bath afterwards.